Well... I've been gone about a year. No, I did not end up pregnant. I just needed a break. I was tired of everything. Watching people become pregnant and move on in life and still remain stuck in my current situation. January of this year we pursued IVF. On the day of the retrieval, we traveled two hours to Evansville, IN to Boston IVF. They are amazing, my Dr. here in Louisville works directly with them.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Friday, July 10, 2015
Tuesday, July 7, I go in for an ultrasound to check how many follicles I had and how big they were. Last month I ended up with 4 follicles. As I lay there looking at the screen, I see nothing. I had one follicle measuring 21 cm. She looked at me and told me that I had now grown a resistance to clomid. I have grown resistant to letrozole and now clomid. She informed me with my endo and PCOS one follicle was not enough for her to do an IUI and we should trigger and try naturally. There is always hope but I must say this was a devastating blow. If this one follicle doesn't produce a pregnancy, I do not know what our next step is.
It's heartbreaking to know what may stop us from having a child is money. We have always said we would do whatever it took to have a baby, but when it comes right down to it, I'm not sure where that money is going to come from. Our insurance covers nothing infertility related. I'm trying to stay positive because getting down isn't going to help anything. On a side note, I posted the song " I would die for that" along with "You never now what storm God has asked a person to walk through. Kindness goes a long way for someone who on the outside seems ok, but is broken on the inside." 10 poeple liked it and 6 people commented on it, when I temporarily died my hair pink 52 people liked it and 12 people commented on it...I guess real life is too real for some people.
Leaving on a much needed vacation next Saturday!
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
We are going to Hilton Head, SC this month on vacation; I am thinking I will take a couple weeks hiatus from blogging. I can't wrap my head around everything right now, and I'm trying to focus on having hope and faith. I will be back in touch soon.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
I was in a discussion last week about karma. I said that I do not believe in karma because there are some really crappy people out there and nothing bad ever happens to them, and there are some really great people who just can't catch a break. In the same thought I mentioned I do however believe I put good in the world in hopes that someone will be good to me when I need it. These comments blew the minds of those I was talking to. They said they now saw me in a different light, that they thought I was a nice person because it's the right thing to do, only now they believe it's because I want something in return.
Little did they know that I am struggling with finding good in the world and I'm very lost in it. I couldn't to put in words that I have prayed and pleaded with God to allow me to conceive a child, I have thought that maybe what goes around, does come around and maybe I need to put good back in the world to receive it only to be left empty and broken. I've tried every rational process of trying to understand why I'm infertile and others aren't. The conversation about karma circled around to infertility for me. It's the most heart breaking experience I have ever gone thru, so I'm sorry I don't have the "right" outlook on life in your opinion. My outlook is very blurry. I know I should lean on God but at the same time I'm so heart broken its hard to not question "WHY"?!
Second conversation with these same people came around today. It was about teaching children to share. Let me preface this with I do want my children to share with others. I told these people I do not believe in sharing (so maybe that wasn't the best thing to say). I went on to explain that when children think they must have a turn riding that bike, or whatever the object is, that sometimes life isn't that way. Sometimes you don't get your turn...friends this was the moment I realized I wasn't talking about bratty children, I was talking about myself.
I was talking about how unfair life can be and there isn't anything you can do about it sometimes. These people had NO CLUE what I was struggling with in this conversation. All they saw was a 31 year old childless woman saying she doesn't believe in sharing. They asked me if I was an only child and really made me feel like an awful person, but if they knew what my heart was saying would they have given me a pass to misspeak? I am not sure but I do know this, infertility is a life changing, thought altering hardship. People do not understand the stress and pressure I feel right now waiting to find out if we're going to be parents this month or not.
I have no news on my TWW. I Haven't tested and I don't plan to until Friday (even though if i'm going to start it will be today or tomorrow most likely).