It's the most wonderful time of year...right? Maybe not for me...anymore.
I've been very busy with work lately and I've not had a lot of time to sit and think. Which is probably a good thing but it just hit me while in the middle of our annual meeting AF visited. I didn't have time to cry or grieve, or to even process what I was feeling, until now. I am so overwhelming sad. This is the third Christmas season I've dealt with this pain. Last year was VERY bad. I was on clomid at that time and I was mentally unstable to say the least.
But this year I am just empty. No happiness, no joy, no laughter just a blank canvas of a person. I feel like I'm losing myself. If I do laugh its forced. I think I play the "I'm ok" part well when I have to. But I'm tired of playing the part. I just want to be mad. I don't want to go shopping and see all the things I want to buy for a baby I want so badly. I don't want to see all these babies on social media with their "babies first Christmas" outfits. I can't handle seeing another pregnancy announcement.
My last name is Jolly but I am anything but that right now. I am writing this in hopes of the day when I can look back at my pain and be that much more grateful when we do get our miracle child.
