Why everyone else and not us?

The dreaded TWW is over, and sadly another BFN. I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow to go over our plan. We go on vacation middle of July so I think we will take a break this month, or maybe my Dr. will have a different plan.

I did find a beautiful song and I wanted to share it with you all. It's "I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey.

Update from appt coming tomorrow.

with love

Kelli

The moment you realize infertility has taken over

Sometimes my words just do not come out right, sometimes it's hard to explain how I'm feeling. I learned today that in just about every conversation I have, infertility is on my mind.

I was in a discussion last week about karma. I said that I do not believe in karma because there are some really crappy people out there and nothing bad ever happens to them, and there are some really great people who just can't catch a break. In the same thought I mentioned I do however believe  I put good in the world in hopes that someone will be good to me when I need it. These comments blew the minds of those I was talking to. They said they now saw me in a different light, that they thought I was a nice person because it's the right thing to do, only now they believe it's because I want something in return.

Little did they know that I am struggling with finding good in the world and I'm very lost in it. I couldn't to put in words that I have prayed and pleaded with God to allow me to conceive a child, I have thought that maybe what goes around, does come around and maybe I need to put good back in the world to receive it only to be left empty and broken. I've tried every rational process of trying to understand why I'm infertile and others aren't. The conversation about karma circled around to infertility for me. It's the most heart breaking experience I have ever gone thru, so I'm sorry I don't have the "right" outlook on life in your opinion. My outlook is very blurry. I know I should lean on God but at the same time I'm so heart broken its hard to not question "WHY"?!

Second conversation with these same people came around today. It was about teaching children to share. Let me preface this with I do want my children to share with others. I told these people I do not believe in sharing (so maybe that wasn't the best thing to say). I went on to explain that when children think they must have a turn riding that bike, or whatever the object is, that sometimes life isn't that way. Sometimes you don't get your turn...friends this was the moment I realized I wasn't talking about bratty children, I was talking about myself.

I was talking about how unfair life can be and there isn't anything you can do about it sometimes. These people had NO CLUE what I was struggling with in this conversation. All they saw was a 31 year old childless woman saying she doesn't believe in sharing. They asked me if I was an only child and really made me feel like an awful person, but if they knew what my heart was saying would they have given me a pass to misspeak?  I am not sure but I do know this, infertility is a life changing, thought altering hardship. People do not understand the stress and pressure I feel right now waiting to find out if we're going to be parents this month or not.

I have no news on my TWW. I Haven't tested and I don't plan to until Friday (even though if i'm going to start it will be today or tomorrow most likely).

The clock is ticking down

Here I am, at the end of another TWW. My doctor said I could take a test yesterday, but I just couldn't do it. For the first time the thought of seeing a negative test was too much for me and especially on Father's day. I've decided to wait it out. I just pray I have the strength to get thru these next couple of days. IF aunt Flo were to visit, it should be soon. The TWW is so much harder than anyone not going thru infertility could understand. I can see the clock ticking, I can't take me eyes off of it.

here are some memes that are making me laugh today while I'm waiting..

Put In Bay, OH

For my 30th birthday, my sweet husband surprised me with a trip to Gatlinburg, TN. We had such a good time! From that moment on, I knew I had to do something equally as cool for him. (Yes I'm a year older than him, he calls me his cougar! Not fair!) I started looking into cool places that neither of us had visited, and in a random search I found Put In Bay an island on lake Erie. How cool is that?! I had no idea lake Erie had islands! I was so proud of myself for finding such a cool place to go. I booked a bed and breakfast called "The Getaway in at Coopers Woods" This place was AMAZING!. I called his boss and secretly asked for time off for my hubs. I wanted it to be a surprise!

About a week before we were to leave, on our wedding anniversary, I just bust at the seams and told  him he would not be going to work on Friday or Monday. He asked "why?!". I told him it was a secret LOL! Two days of him listing off all these places he thinks we may be going, I suggested a game. I would only answer yes and no questions. Thirty minutes later he was confused! i was enjoying every minute if it! I finally caved and told him where we were going. (I'm terrible at keeping secrets from him, so just know if you tell me something, he knows also! Whoops!)

We left first thing Friday, May, 29th and headed to Port Clinton, OH to board the ferry that would take us to the island.  It was then I told him we would not be taking my car across, that we would be riding bikes or golf carts around this 4 mile long and 3 mile wide island. FUN! The ferry ride was really cool! Here are some pics from our trip! It rained some of the rip but we didn't mind, we love just being with each other... most of the time LOL jk jk

Kayak the Bay!

Perry's Peace Monument (dedicated to the War of 1812)

HA! the water was so clear and beautiful! 

Fish Kiss

The biggest fish I have ever caught!

Date night!

Our Favorite Restaurant!

The Boardwalk

My happy camper!

Writers block

Here lately I've had some serious writers block! I don't have any updates to give and even if I did I'm trying really hard not to think about  every little thing I could think is a sign. Which leads me to my theory. Everything to me must mean something. I analyze and then I over analyze because every little thing must be a sign or it must mean something. Two Sunday's  ago I had an appt. to have my 3rd IUI. DH and I went to the appt. dropped off his sample and was about to go to the store for a drink when my car broke down. Right there in the parking lot. Rewind to the week before and we had to put our sweet bubby in the hospital because he was so sick. (Which cost a lot of money). Recently every time I've had a Dr. appt. something odd or bad happens that day AFTER the appt. My brain is in overdrive trying to figure out why all this is happening at the same time and the answer is I DON'T KNOW! I really don't know, I can't figure it out.

Now let me get this rant over, I am so beyond upset that fertility treatments and diagnostic testing is not covered by many insurance companies in the state of Kentucky. To tell me that having a child is an elective the same way having a boob job is an elective really burns my biscuit! PCOS is a diesease that should be treated fairly! What world do we live in?!? The U.S. is the only industrialized nation not to mandate paid leave for mothers of newborns. Most of the rest of the world has paid maternity leave policies. Other than the U.S, Lesotho, Swaziland and Papua New Guinea are the only other countries that do not. You mean to tell me that we are in the same class as Papua New Guinea?! I just CANT HANDLE it today!  WAKE UP AMERICA!

stepping off my soap box now

Re Blog

So... this is my first re-blog. I haven't written in awhile because frankly, I have nothing to report. After another failed month I started Clomid on Monday. I had been following Elisha at waiting for baby bird for some time now, when I came across her latest post. As I read line by line, my eyes filled with tears. Here are the words I wish I could say, what I wish people knew about me and my struggle.

original post by Elisha at waiting for baby bird

Infertility is More than Just the Inability to Conceive…

posted in The Journey, Whispers of Hope by Elisha

I am not sure if you are new to infertility or if you have been traveling this journey for months or even years.  But I think we can all agree that it is tough.  Really tough.  And when I began walking this road, I wasn’t prepared. Were you?  Because for me, I was naive.  I thought infertility was simply the inability to conceive after one year of actively trying. And rightfully so. Because isn’t that the definition? But ask me now?  Four years after leaving my doctor’s office numb and confused?  And then going through several failed treatment cycles and a miscarriage?  And I will quickly tell you that the definition Google search gave me years ago, is not even close to being accurate. And maybe you feel the same.  Because infertility, when you break it down, is so much more than just the inability to conceive…Because I have learned it is also a series of losses that you are forced to grieve month after month. Original post