I'm sure it's not shock to anyone that I can hold my own in most situations. But lately I've found myself in a helpless situation that I cannot control. Let me just say that not being able to control this situation leaves me feeling like I must have done something very bad in my life to deserve this. Brad and I have been trying to have a baby for well over a year and half now with no success. I am now on medicine that will hopefully help. The first go round didn't work, so immediately I thought negative. I just want something to work. It's really hard not to blame yourself for this not working. Every time I turn around someone I know is pregnant. I am so happy for those people. I am truly excited for them, but as soon as I find out I call Brad and I feel sad. Why not us?
I hear there are different levels of acceptance, I hope this specific post becomes helpful to me as I'm typing this. I would like to type out the levels of acceptance and describe where I am.
The first step is Denial: Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts,
information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism. This just can not be happening to me! I've never had any health problems, Brad is healthy, were married, have a home together were ready. Were did everything "right".
I've moved on, this is our journey.
Step Two Anger: Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional
upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Yes I am angry. Every time I saw a drug using female get pregnant, I got angry! Every time I heard some teenager who has no business being a mother get pregnant, I got angry. Every time someone complains about their children, I got angry. The list goes on.
I accept that is their journey and mine is different.
Step Three Bargaining: I would just like to say this one plagues me a little bit. Some would bargain with God, "God I promise to be a better person if you give me this..." I know better. God doesn't bargain, HE has a plan. Yes, I'm struggling to understand and accept but I know bargaining is useless.
Step Four Depression: It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality. I do accept my journey, and my reality and I believe I have made it over this hump. I still don't talk about this in certain company, but I am not as closed off as I used to be. With that said, I do not want to have conversations about advice. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: "You just need to stop trying so hard!" or "It'll happen just when you stop TRYING!" WOW now that's a thought!
Step Five Acceptance: OK, me; what’s next? I'm ready for whatever comes. I think I'm here. The first year I refused to think I needed help with this. I was in disbelief that I may need help to have a baby when it seemed so easy for everyone else.
What I really need is understanding. Some days I'm perfectly fine and some days I go back in steps. I find myself back at step two most often. Its heartbreaking to ask your husband and family to please accept me for the crazy person I may become. I called my mom the day I found out I would for sure need medical help to have children and she said the kindest words to me I will never forget. She told me "Kelli, I am here for you. I've told your dad and your sister and they are here for you. We know you may have your ups and downs..maybe more downs and just know we are all here supporting you." Thank you mom. That was so very sweet!
I am positive, tomorrow i start my second round of clomid and I'm praying this works. I am on an emotional roller coaster while on this medicine so if you see me, please give me a pass. I promise to return the favor if you ever need it. One funny thing I would like to share is that I will NEVER make fun of my mother or aunts for having hot flashes ever again! Shew Weeee I get hot and it happens anywhere anytime!
To end this, I feel better having expressed myself. I was very ashamed for a long time about what has been going on or the lack there of. I don't know who all reads this, but I don't need sympathy, I don't need pity I need your prayers.
Thanks for letting me vent :)
