It's the most wonderful time of year...right? Maybe not for me...anymore.
I've been very busy with work lately and I've not had a lot of time to sit and think. Which is probably a good thing but it just hit me while in the middle of our annual meeting AF visited. I didn't have time to cry or grieve, or to even process what I was feeling, until now. I am so overwhelming sad. This is the third Christmas season I've dealt with this pain. Last year was VERY bad. I was on clomid at that time and I was mentally unstable to say the least.
But this year I am just empty. No happiness, no joy, no laughter just a blank canvas of a person. I feel like I'm losing myself. If I do laugh its forced. I think I play the "I'm ok" part well when I have to. But I'm tired of playing the part. I just want to be mad. I don't want to go shopping and see all the things I want to buy for a baby I want so badly. I don't want to see all these babies on social media with their "babies first Christmas" outfits. I can't handle seeing another pregnancy announcement.
My last name is Jolly but I am anything but that right now. I am writing this in hopes of the day when I can look back at my pain and be that much more grateful when we do get our miracle child.
deer
Monday, December 15, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
All over again
It is probably not a shock that my husband is a hunter/outdoors-man. This past weekend was opening day of gun season. Brad prefers to hunt with a bow but this is his favorite season. He left on Wednesday and at that time we were still in our two week waiting period after our first IUI. On Thursday the wait was over, two negative pregnancy test and a visit from aunt Flo confirmed my greatest fears. We were not pregnant.
I thought for sure I would lose faith, I thought I would break down.. I thought wrong.
I drove to the farm Friday afternoon to meet my husband so I could see him. I had already planned to come down on Saturday, but I needed him. I had an hour drive until I was in his arms. I thought about all the reasons I could be upset but none of them stuck. I talked to my mom and I was OK. I hadn't broken down yet. I knew it was coming but when would I feel it? I finally arrived at the farm and decided to go out hunting with him that evening so we could have some alone time.
We hadn't spoken a word about it until we reached the tree stand. I climbed up and sat down across from him. I looked at the man I married. We whispered to each other how upset we were over not being pregnant when we felt so strongly God was telling us to move forward, and that's when it hit me. God is telling us to move forward but he wanted me to have something else first.
When Brad is hunting, he is in his element. He was sure of what he was doing and in that moment I feel in love with my husband all over again. I hadn't looked at him or had those types of feelings in a long time. We have been together for 5 years, and in those years our relationship has gotten very comfortable. I think that just goes with marriage. So here am I sitting across from the most handsome man I have ever seen and thinking how lucky I am to have him as my husband. I think God wanted to draw me closer to my husband. Over the last 2 and half years we've had some really trying times and it's not been easy to find romance in our relationship. Everything was scheduled, most conversations included the agenda for baby making of the month. I was exhausted.
I have not shed a tear for the failed IUI this month, but instead I have more hope and more love in my heart. God did send me a message, it just was not in the order I thought it would be. Brad and I have decided to change doctors so that we can get a second opinion about whats going on with our situation, but we will not go in for that appointment until January. Until then, we're going to enjoy each other's company, have date nights and put the passion back in our marriage all over again.
I thought for sure I would lose faith, I thought I would break down.. I thought wrong.
I drove to the farm Friday afternoon to meet my husband so I could see him. I had already planned to come down on Saturday, but I needed him. I had an hour drive until I was in his arms. I thought about all the reasons I could be upset but none of them stuck. I talked to my mom and I was OK. I hadn't broken down yet. I knew it was coming but when would I feel it? I finally arrived at the farm and decided to go out hunting with him that evening so we could have some alone time.
We hadn't spoken a word about it until we reached the tree stand. I climbed up and sat down across from him. I looked at the man I married. We whispered to each other how upset we were over not being pregnant when we felt so strongly God was telling us to move forward, and that's when it hit me. God is telling us to move forward but he wanted me to have something else first.
When Brad is hunting, he is in his element. He was sure of what he was doing and in that moment I feel in love with my husband all over again. I hadn't looked at him or had those types of feelings in a long time. We have been together for 5 years, and in those years our relationship has gotten very comfortable. I think that just goes with marriage. So here am I sitting across from the most handsome man I have ever seen and thinking how lucky I am to have him as my husband. I think God wanted to draw me closer to my husband. Over the last 2 and half years we've had some really trying times and it's not been easy to find romance in our relationship. Everything was scheduled, most conversations included the agenda for baby making of the month. I was exhausted.
I have not shed a tear for the failed IUI this month, but instead I have more hope and more love in my heart. God did send me a message, it just was not in the order I thought it would be. Brad and I have decided to change doctors so that we can get a second opinion about whats going on with our situation, but we will not go in for that appointment until January. Until then, we're going to enjoy each other's company, have date nights and put the passion back in our marriage all over again.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Faith
Sometimes having faith is hard. The bible tells me that if I have faith the size of a mustard seed, I can move mountains! I can move mountains?
In my heart I KNOW I will be a mother and I know this is the month, its going to happen; but the devil sneaks in and reminds me of how devastating it could be to put all my faith in God that he will provide us with a baby and then come up with negative results. When life is calm it is much easier to move mountains. Your faith is complete and you have little to no doubt. What do you do when you can't escape your doubt?
Let's back up a couple weeks... When we found out we had another big fat negative month, we had a conversation about how far can we afford to go. IUI (artificial insemination) cost anywhere from $500.00-$900.00 and was our next step. We know that we want a baby at any cost, but when you look at your bank account its a little harder to put faith into a procedure that may or may not work. All of that doubt and worry ended on Monday night.
I bowl in a women's league with my mom and aunt. I have bowled terribly this session! Every week the strike pot comes by me and I always say no, because I know I'm not that good of a bowler and it just never interested me. This Monday, however, I learned the strike pot was up to $300.00. I pulled three dollars out of my wallet and bought three tickets. I had three chances to win the strike pot. It's now time to draw the lucky number of the person who will go for the strike pot. In order to win you must bowl a strike on the spot. If you do not bowl the strike the money carries over to next week. I get my tickets out and wait for the numbers to be called. "The winning ticket is #3040....." I look down and then back up to see if anyone around me had the winning ticket. No one is standing up, I look down at my tickets once more and I had the winning ticket!! How did I not see it?!? I jump up and let everyone in the joint know I had the winning ticket!
Now the reality sets in...I must bowl a strike right now to win this $300.00. I had been bowling great all night. I can do this! I grab my ball, pick a lane and give myself a pep talk of much we needed this money. I throw my ball down the lane and very quickly I know this is a good ball! It's still good, hits the pens and all fall but one.... I put my hands over my eyes and before I could turn around the pen falls over! I DID IT! I bowled the strike!
I know God doesn't pick sides in sports, I know he does not answer prayers of gambling wants, but I do know God knew I needed this push, this reassurance to go ahead and move forward with this procedure. For the first time in a long time I truly believe God spoke to me. I knew my ovulation would come this same week and God provided me with $300.00 we hadn't expected to have. The answer was simple and clear. Just jump. Spend the money and make the leap.
So we did. Yesterday we went into our doctors office and I did the IUI procedure. I put all faith and hope into this decision. How blessed am I that I was given a monetary gift that meant more than most people understood. God will provide.
If anyone is out there reading this blog, I ask for your prayers. I am trying to stay strong and keep my faith but my imagination is running wild and I'm terrified. I have been given such an over powering message and somehow I'm still scared. I want God to know I do trust Him and I do have faith in Him but I'm scared. Can that go hand in hand?
I took a selfie as I laid on the table after the procedure and sent it to Brad with the caption "Just laying here making our baby"...I WILL have faith!
Thursday, October 9, 2014
The wait is over
I tried really hard this month to stay positive, but in the back of my mind were my true raw emotions of failure. Again this month we were disappointed, but I am feeling something I haven't quite felt this entire time of TTC. I am ready to fight! I have been so careful about what I said or felt or thought. It's time to put up my dukes and let em fly! I will be a mother and Brad and I will be parents! To be continued...
Friday, October 3, 2014
The two week wait...
On September 17, I went to my fertility doctor to have an ultrasound of my ovaries to see if they had any healthy follicles. He first looked at my right ovary and noticed I had one follicle on that ovary and it looked to be healthy and it was at 22 mm. ( I think this is a good size but what do I really know?) He then looked at my left ovary and noticed I had a healthy follicle on that one as well and it was at 21 mm. He seemed a little shocked that I had two healthy follicles on both ovaries so of course I had to ask him what that meant. "Mrs. Jolly are you OK with having twins?" GULP!
Brad and I have ALWAYS joked about having twins and naming them Hunter and Fischer...well mostly Brad, those are not my names of choice but it has always been an inside joke for us. So as I am currently in my two week waiting period, all I can think about is the possibility of our little Hunter & Fischer. The doctor told me Brad and I more than likely would not need to have an IUI to have a baby. So we did not have that procedure this month. But should I have pushed the issue? What if this is our chance at our dream of twins and we miss it?
I can't seem to get my mind to stop racing! I think about our possibilities day and night and a week from today I should know where we stand this month. That also is a scary thought. Today I am hopefully but in just a few short days I could be crushed again. I have been reading daily devotionals trying to get myself in the right place with my relationship with God. It is helping. I have finally found myself talking to God again and having faith that we will become parents; but I still have that fear of failure...will that ever go away?
Brad and I have ALWAYS joked about having twins and naming them Hunter and Fischer...well mostly Brad, those are not my names of choice but it has always been an inside joke for us. So as I am currently in my two week waiting period, all I can think about is the possibility of our little Hunter & Fischer. The doctor told me Brad and I more than likely would not need to have an IUI to have a baby. So we did not have that procedure this month. But should I have pushed the issue? What if this is our chance at our dream of twins and we miss it?
I can't seem to get my mind to stop racing! I think about our possibilities day and night and a week from today I should know where we stand this month. That also is a scary thought. Today I am hopefully but in just a few short days I could be crushed again. I have been reading daily devotionals trying to get myself in the right place with my relationship with God. It is helping. I have finally found myself talking to God again and having faith that we will become parents; but I still have that fear of failure...will that ever go away?
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
My path and my destination
For the past two years Brad and I have been struggling to get pregnant. We have had zero success at this point. Last month I underwent surgery to try and find answers for my infertility. The doctor found I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), endometriosis and my left ovary was tucked inside a pocket of my bowel. To rectify these issues I had a DNC and ovarian drilling.
So here am I post-surgery one month later and another unsuccessful month of trying for baby Jolly. The day I started my period I was completely defeated. I couldn't think of one positive in this situation. My relationship with God has been tested. I do not doubt that he is my savior, I am having trouble accepting what’s happening in my life and I am wondering why He isn't helping us. Today I found a new blog to read. The blogger has gone thru what I’m going thru and her faith is stronger than ever. It was hard for me to read her post at first but the more I read the more I realized where I’m going wrong. I have tried doing this on my own but now it’s time to put this in God’s hands.
So here am I post-surgery one month later and another unsuccessful month of trying for baby Jolly. The day I started my period I was completely defeated. I couldn't think of one positive in this situation. My relationship with God has been tested. I do not doubt that he is my savior, I am having trouble accepting what’s happening in my life and I am wondering why He isn't helping us. Today I found a new blog to read. The blogger has gone thru what I’m going thru and her faith is stronger than ever. It was hard for me to read her post at first but the more I read the more I realized where I’m going wrong. I have tried doing this on my own but now it’s time to put this in God’s hands.
I am ready to stop trying to control everything around me and I’m ready to be open and honest with God. I’m ready to ask for his help and trust he will come through. I know he works miracles and I know he has worked them for me. I will have faith, I will over-come and I will be a mother. My cousin reminded me today “Don’t confuse your path with your destination. Just because its stormy today doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine.”
Monday, January 27, 2014
The Liebster Award
I received an email from a fellow blogger who was nominated for the Liebster Award. The Liebster Award is an internet only award that you pass along to other fascinating bloggers. The reward in this, you get to pay it forward! This award goes to bloggers who have 200 or less followers. Part of the award is to list 11 things about yourself and then answer some questions from the blogger that nominated you.
11 Fun Facts about Kelli:
1) I love playing Call of Duty and thankfully I have a husband who will play the same silly game on there over and over with me.
2) I am afraid of the dark! No seriously my imagination is wild!
3) I have a heightened sense of smell and taste buds! When people say “oh Kelli you can’t even taste the onion” I beg to differ! Yes I can!
4) I love all things wedding! I still watch Say yes to the dress even though I’ve been married for a year and a half.
5) My little sister called me Er-Er until she was in middle school. I have no idea where she got that. She could say my name and sister but chose Er-Er instead.
6) I work mostly with people who come from a farming background, I have always lived in Louisville metro and I stick out like s sore thumb most times!
7) I change my hair color with my mood! I always catch the joke “what color is your hair going to be tomorrow?”
8) I love OLD country music. My sister is the true old soul but I would consider myself a musical old soul. Today’s music just isn’t the same.
9) I almost drowned in Jamaica on a river tubing tour. Long story short my tube flipped and it was lodged in the narrow opening I was going through and I couldn’t find the top of the water.
10) I hate opening presents in front of people! There is always this expectation of what your reaction should be and I just get so nervous trying to live up to it.
11) I actually like Richard Sherman despite all the negative backlash he has received. If you think he acted like a fool in his interview with Erin Andrews, go listen to her talk about Richard Sherman’s interview.
Ok so here are the questions from Carilynn:
What is the one thing that would be a must have on a deserted island? My husband, Brad!
Favorite city to visit and why? This is a hard one, I haven’t traveled much in the U.S
What is your go to recipe for company? Potato soup!
If you had to describe your favorite outfit what would it consist of? Dark Jeans, Cowboy boots and a flow shirt!
What do you do to unwind on a stressful day? Go home and drink a glass of wine
Are you a picture taker or a memory maker? Both! I love making memories but I always want to capture those memories.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I’m a free spirited dreamer. Where I want to be changes daily!
What inspired you to start blogging? I like to talk, so it seemed like a natural fit after one of my work friends told me about her new blog.
If you could meet any one live or dead who would be at the top of the list? Jesus
Are you dog person or a cat person? Dog for sure!
What is your favorite part of blogging? I enjoy writing but I really enjoy reading other peoples life experiences! It’s so much fun!
Now for the final part of this award, nominating other blogs. I would like to nominate one of my favorites:
1.)Callie over at http://bennettcoker.blogspot.com/
Callie, your questions are:
1.) What is the one thing that would be a must have on a deserted island?
2.) Favorite city to visit and why?
3.) What is your go to hair style?
4.) If you had to describe your favorite outfit what would it consist of?
5.) What do you do to unwind on a stressful day?
6.) Are you a picture taker or a memory maker?
7.) Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
8.) What inspired you to start blogging?
9.) If you could meet any one live or dead who would be at the top of the list?
10.) What is your ideal vacation?
11.) What is your favorite part of blogging?
1) I love playing Call of Duty and thankfully I have a husband who will play the same silly game on there over and over with me.
2) I am afraid of the dark! No seriously my imagination is wild!
3) I have a heightened sense of smell and taste buds! When people say “oh Kelli you can’t even taste the onion” I beg to differ! Yes I can!
4) I love all things wedding! I still watch Say yes to the dress even though I’ve been married for a year and a half.
5) My little sister called me Er-Er until she was in middle school. I have no idea where she got that. She could say my name and sister but chose Er-Er instead.
6) I work mostly with people who come from a farming background, I have always lived in Louisville metro and I stick out like s sore thumb most times!
7) I change my hair color with my mood! I always catch the joke “what color is your hair going to be tomorrow?”
8) I love OLD country music. My sister is the true old soul but I would consider myself a musical old soul. Today’s music just isn’t the same.
9) I almost drowned in Jamaica on a river tubing tour. Long story short my tube flipped and it was lodged in the narrow opening I was going through and I couldn’t find the top of the water.
10) I hate opening presents in front of people! There is always this expectation of what your reaction should be and I just get so nervous trying to live up to it.
11) I actually like Richard Sherman despite all the negative backlash he has received. If you think he acted like a fool in his interview with Erin Andrews, go listen to her talk about Richard Sherman’s interview.
Ok so here are the questions from Carilynn:
What is the one thing that would be a must have on a deserted island? My husband, Brad!
Favorite city to visit and why? This is a hard one, I haven’t traveled much in the U.S
What is your go to recipe for company? Potato soup!
If you had to describe your favorite outfit what would it consist of? Dark Jeans, Cowboy boots and a flow shirt!
What do you do to unwind on a stressful day? Go home and drink a glass of wine
Are you a picture taker or a memory maker? Both! I love making memories but I always want to capture those memories.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I’m a free spirited dreamer. Where I want to be changes daily!
What inspired you to start blogging? I like to talk, so it seemed like a natural fit after one of my work friends told me about her new blog.
If you could meet any one live or dead who would be at the top of the list? Jesus
Are you dog person or a cat person? Dog for sure!
What is your favorite part of blogging? I enjoy writing but I really enjoy reading other peoples life experiences! It’s so much fun!
Now for the final part of this award, nominating other blogs. I would like to nominate one of my favorites:
1.)Callie over at http://bennettcoker.blogspot.com/
Callie, your questions are:
1.) What is the one thing that would be a must have on a deserted island?
2.) Favorite city to visit and why?
3.) What is your go to hair style?
4.) If you had to describe your favorite outfit what would it consist of?
5.) What do you do to unwind on a stressful day?
6.) Are you a picture taker or a memory maker?
7.) Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
8.) What inspired you to start blogging?
9.) If you could meet any one live or dead who would be at the top of the list?
10.) What is your ideal vacation?
11.) What is your favorite part of blogging?
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