Girl is born, grows up, meets the perfect boy falls in love, gets married he is everything she ever dreamed of, makes all her wishes come true, always buys her “just because” gifts, always tells her she is beautiful, always puts her first, never makes mistakes, he is the envy of all her friends, has the perfect children and the process starts over again. The end. Somewhere in the middle Facebook, reality TV shows and movies dictate what this perfect life is. First, let me start with marriage. Weddings are major productions and at the root of it all mean nothing without this vow:
I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Really think about this vow. Many people think that marriage is about marrying the right person, so when things go wrong, they automatically go to the “I married the wrong person” place. If this is you, please do me a favor. First thing, burn your grudges. It’s time to set some bad memories on fire. Literally. Sometimes hanging on to those “Do you remember the time you did such and such?” moments are the things that lead to relationship sabotage. Instead of carrying grudges around forever, torch them. Write them all down on a piece of paper. Then set a timer for a certain amount of time. It might be 10 minutes. It might be 30. It might be the whole day. The point is: Give yourself as long as you need to really wallow in the misery of these grudges. Savor them. Get angry about them. Mutter about them. Do whatever you need to do to get sick and tired of them, once you are done, say, ‘I will not think about these anymore. These grudges have lost their usefulness. Then take a match and burn them.
The next thing I encourage you to do is write your spouse’s eulogy. Really think about the words and stories you would use to describe this person. After you are finished read it to yourself (don’t let your spouse know because it may seem a little awkward you’re writing their eulogy). You should be reading all of the good and wonderful things about this person and hopefully this will give you some appreciation for this person. Maybe it’s an appreciation that you have stored deep inside and locked it away. Life is hard and it can make you bitter.
I encourage everyone struggling in their marriages to do these two things. I decided to write about this because I know many women struggling with the lie that is a perfect life. The perfect life is full of flaws, mistakes, ups and downs and that is why they call life the ride. There is beauty in the breaking that most of us miss. Every tear falls for a reason and in that reason you’ll find your peace. “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” -Dr. Seuss
