Thursday, June 23, 2016

Long time, no post

Well... I've been gone about a year. No, I did not end up pregnant. I just needed a break. I was tired of everything. Watching people become pregnant and move on in life and still remain stuck in my current situation. January of this year we pursued IVF. On the day of the retrieval, we traveled two hours to Evansville, IN to Boston IVF. They are amazing, my Dr. here in Louisville works directly with them.


When I woke up from Surgery Dr. Griffin informed me they retrieved 16 eggs. I couldn't hold back my tears. I was so afraid that they wouldn't find any eggs. Over the next couple of days, 9 fertilized and 5 embryos made it to day 5. The grade on our 5 embryos was very good. I was also very worried that the embryos would be of poor quality but luckily they were good.  It was very evident after the retrieval that I was suffering from Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS). My ovaries were filled with fluid from being over stimulated during the cycle. I was in an enormous amount of pain. It ranged from pain in my lower belly, to traveling up to my neck. It truly was a very painful experience. My belly was so swollen full of fluid I looked 6 months pregnant. We transferred 2 perfect embryos despite the fact I could barely walk on day 5. We watched as they placed our babied and as the embryos entered my uterus we saw a bright light flicker and Dr. Griffin's nurse said "Did you see that? Those are your babies!" It was truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. For some reason embryos show up as a light on the ultrasound screen. We wiped the tears from our eyes and left the surgical room for me to lay down for a couple minutes. I needed it. I was in so much pain. We took this time to take
our first family photo, and yes I mean family. Those little embryos are our babies and I will forever love them. Dr. Griffin comes in to let me know if I were to end up pregnant, the OHSS would continue for many more weeks, however if I wasn't pregnant the symptoms would disappear as soon as my period came. That thought was pretty bitter sweet. To endure the pain to hold my miracle baby and I truly wondered if I would make it. Around 4dpt I started to feel better. I knew at that moment I wasn't pregnant. I knew the only reason the pain was gone was because my babies didn't make it,
and I was right. I stared at the negative pregnancy test in shock. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. So I took a break. We have 3 frozen embryos and I had no desire to go down that road. From January until now, I wasn't ready. Its hard to explain, but I was grieving. I couldn't get over the loss. I've heard in the past people make comments like "I don't know why she's upset, she was only xx amount of weeks pregnant" and I may have been guilty of thinking that in my head also, but I can tell you right now, that is the dumbest comment you could ever make. As a woman, my heart will never let go of what those babies may have been, what they would have looked like, would it be more me or more Brad, would they play little league, would they sing, would they go to college...and I will never know. This post was a long time coming, and I'm finally in the place to write it. I hope to write more soon, but I thought I needed to catch up before I started anything new.