Tuesday, April 28, 2015

It did what?

Last week was a TRIP! And not even a good one! So I found out on Thursday that my follicles had not grown but they in fact had gotten smaller. So My Dr. put me on a booster dose of Letrozole over the weekend. She had hoped this booster dose would kick start my follicles to keep growing. But as we looked on at the ultrasound yesterday we both saw nothing. No results. She sent me to have blood drawn to make sure I hadn't ovulated. If I did not ovulate then I will go back on, for the first time in two years, clomid at 100 mg. I got the call to let me know I had not ovulated and my cycle has stalled so I started the clomid last night as directed. I am terrified. The last time I was on clomid I really struggled with my mental health. And since I did not ovulate I do not have to wait until next month to try again, were starting right away. I'm so confused about how my body works, but apparently all these medicines control everything! If anyone reading this can relate please leave me a comment. I have never had my cycle stall, so I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Thanks!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

But I get up again

Today I can't help but hear this song in my head:

Chumbawamba 
"Tubthumping"
I get knocked down, But I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down

Yep that's how I'm feeling. This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I tried to explain to my in-laws why we weren't coming down to visit with family this weekend, but I feel I failed at that. I am always worried if someone is mad at me, or if I've offended someone. I tried. I really tried to keep their feelings in mind when I told them this weekend probably wouldn't be best to visit (even though it was kind of planned). But no matter how hard I try, this situation is hard on everyone. So instead of focusing on how hard things are, I'm going to really try to focus on getting back up and moving forward. It wasn't that long ago I thought Teddy Bridgewater was talking to me, where did that confidence go? It's a vicious cycle of building myself up to have hope to then just get knocked back down. 

I'm starting to believe that only people who are going thru or have been thru infertility will every truly understand what it feels like to hear someone else is pregnant and you're not. You feel sorrow and pain for your self, then you feel sorrow because they deserve a happy embrace but I struggle to show it. Then you agonize over making sure they know you love them. Next you feel guilt for even hurting, you try to tell yourself that your selfish and you shouldn't feel this way, but you just can't help it. I feel alone but I keep telling myself I'm not. 

I feel so bad that one sentence can flat knock me off my feet. Will I ever get stronger? I am not sure. I do not have that answer but I do know that no matter how many times I get knocked down, I will get back up again. 

Weight Watchers update: I lost another 1.8 lbs this week, so that's a plus!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Why does it have to pour when it rains?

This week is national infertility week. One in eight couples suffer from infertility, and the slogan is "you are not alone".  Then why do I feel so completely and utterly alone? I know women suffering from infertility and I still feel alone. I read your blogs, I hear your stories, I see your words of encouragement and I still feel alone.

My cd12 appt was yesterday, and it didn't go as well as I'd hope. I took 10 mg of letrozole coupled with estrogen patches and I still only produced two decent sized follicles both under 14 mm. And my lining was thinner than it ever has been before due to this increased dose of letrozole. I take the "growth" shots tomorrow and Thursday and then go back in on Thursday to check everything, if all looks good we will have an IUI on Friday. When I left the Dr. office I just felt defeated. I was really hoping for 3 good sized follicles and that didn't happen.

I go home, change clothes and head out for bowling. We were bowling for the number 1 spot. We lost. I wasn't too sad about that because bowling isn't my strong suit. But it was the last time I would bowl with my mother and aunt. They both have decided to give up bowling.

The drive home was odd, I was trying to be positive, I was trying to convince myself everything was going to be OK. I get home, plop down on the couch and turn on my show that I had recorded and then my brother in law calls. I answer and he is asking me if we are coming to visit this weekend (they live 3 hours away)and we talked a little about a wedding we are going to in Chicago in June. He said he has called my hubby but he did not answer. He then asked me to have Brad give him a call when he was free.

I hollered to my hubby to let him know to call his brother. About 5 minutes later Brad comes walking down the hall with a defeated face and with my brother in law on speaker phone... I knew right away what I was about to hear. I wanted to run away. I wanted to grab my keys and just leave! But I didn't move. My brother in law told us he knew our struggles and he wanted to approach this delicately but they were expecting baby #2. It started to pour, not the rain but the tears from my eyes. I tell them how happy I am for them (but they could never imagine the pain and sorrow I felt). When the call finally ended, I buried my face into my hands and I just sobbed. The hardest thing is being happy for someone else but so heartbroken for yourself.

Today my face is swollen as I sit here typing out my feelings. My heart is broken and my spirit is crushed. I know if God brings me to it he will see me thru it but this time.. this time I just don't know. This feels like rock bottom. I told my hubby I wanted to give up last night and part of me still means that. I want to be a mother more than anything in life and that same desire is causing the most pain I have ever felt. I feel so alone. I'm 1 in 8 and today I'm not OK, I'm not strong.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Weekend recap

Last week my husband went on a golfing trip with my dad. I have officially been replaced! The plan was for him to be home Sunday evening. So all weekend I was left to my own devises. I decided I wanted to clean out the basement to hurry the process of having it finished. That proved to be too large of a task for just myself. I sent a text to my hubby and told him I was exhausted. My husbands response proved to me that God gave me the right man to marry. He told me "why don't you let me do that? You just get a list together of all projects you want to get done and we will work on them, how about going to get some flowers for the planter." Swoon. So I did. It turned out to be a great weekend that was topped off by my hubby coming home earlier than expected and we spent the day together.

I started this round of letrozole fermara. This is the first time I've take four pills. So wish me luck and send baby dust! Oh and I lost another 4.8 lbs this week!!! That's 12 lbs total!!

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Teddy is talking to me

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a HUGE UofL fan. One of my all time favorite football players to come out of UofL is Teddy Bridgewater. He is kind, generous, gracious and one heck of a quarterback! He is the type of player you want representing your school/organization. Teddy went on to become a Minnesota Viking after college. He was the last pick of the first round of the draft. Luckily for me, my dad has been a Vikings fan ever since I can remember, so of course I jumped on that band wagon!

Monday, April 6th I log onto Twitter and the first tweet I see is from Teddy Bridgewater. The Tweet reads "That delay you're experiencing doesn't mean denial. Keep the faith!". Uhm did Teddy just write that for me? Have you ever been in church and you seriously think your pastor is talking directly to you? That is what this felt like. Teddy knew my pain, my struggle and he was telling me to "keep the faith". I guess you could call me a superstitious person, but I like to think everything happens for a reason (except when people tell me that I will have a baby when the timing is right or that it will happen when it's supposed to. That drives me bonkers!). I took his words and thought that maybe, just maybe God sent those words to him to encourage me.

Yesterday I am scrolling through Twitter when I come across another Tweet from Teddy. The tweet reads "A breakthrough is coming your way.. Have a blessed day!". WHAT! Stop it! I run over to my friends office and I yell "Teddy is talking to me!". Thankfully she knows me and she knows how I operate. I think of everything as a sign, I wish I didn't but at this point that's how my faith works right now. Seeing signs makes me feel like God is talking to me. My mind is so restless these days I'm having trouble being quiet and listening for God's advice. Growing in faith kind of reminds me of food. Stay with me. When your down on your faith and your struggling to be positive, its easier to chew on softer, easier to digest scripture. God knows my heart and He knows I need a little help right now being positive. It's hard for me, and after last week, God knew I needed a little pep talk. I believe God provided that pep talk form Teddy Bridgewater.

So this week has most definitely been a better than last week! And I lost another 2.4 lbs! That's 8.4 lbs. total in two weeks! I'm kicking fats butt!

Friday, April 3, 2015

Gut Check

The Hubs and I had taken the month of March off from TTC for timing issues. I felt a lot guilt for doing that but I know it's what was best for us. We will pick back up in April with 10 mg Letrozol, which is highest dosage I've ever taken, estrogen, progesterone, injections and if all goes well trigger shot with an IUI. I also joined Weight Watchers. I have done this program before and it really works for me. Last week I lost 5.8 lbs! I am feeling hopeful for this month. I am excited about the possibilities this month brings. But as soon as I let the good  feelings in the devil creeps in.

Today has not been a great day. It stormed last night and we have had a lot of flooding. I woke up and noticed we had a leak in the ceiling in the nursery. Sigh! Next my wonderful husband left our fur babies out. We keep them in their bedroom while we're at work, and he puts them up before I leave for work. So of course my sweet bub left me a surprise on the hardwood floor. No problem right? Its hardwood it will clean right up. WRONG! The finish came off and it was just a mess. I'm sure you didn't want to read any of that, I digress.

Before I left for work, I checked the news to see if the roadways were clear. They said slight delay on Gene Synder, but that's everyday. So I head out to work. I get 20 minutes down the road and I'm barely moving. An hour goes by and I finally hear a tractor trailer has hydroplaned and has both lanes blocked. I get to work almost two hours late! Fantastic! Luckily everyone understood the situation!

I decide to get on Facebook to wish my friend a happy birthday when I saw it, the gut check. A girl I know posted an ultrasound of twins announcing her pregnancy. I'm so happy for her. I really am, but my heart broke. My heart is broken and as much as I try to repair it, those cracks never go away. The devil seeps in through those cracks and I succumb to the sorrow. Will there ever be a day when I see those announcements and not feel pain? I feel like a horrible woman for feeling pain during someone else's joy. 

So today, I am saving my Weight Watchers points and I am going to go out and have pizza. I am going to go shopping, I am going to to be happy. One way or another, I can not let the jealousy win, it may come again in my life but I will do whatever I have to do to make sure that pain doesn't win! It doesn't get to! I may cry today, but I will smile. I am hopeful.