Hope and doubt

I tried to be silent in hopes I would have good news to report this month, but I don't. I went in two weeks ago to have a baseline scan after my BFN last month. The ultrasound showed another blood cysts, that's two in the last couple months, and my Dr. mentioned possibly having to move me up to stage 2 or 3 endometriosis. I was stunned, I just had the scar tissue scraped last year how could it have possibly progressed? I mentioned to our Dr. that we may need to hold off this month on an IUI because we were still catching up financially from my car breaking down and my dog being hospitalized. "It's on the house, were moving forward" was her response. I cried. My doctor is amazing, I can't believe she would do that for us! She put me back on 100 & 150 mg of clomid alternating days and we scheduled an appointment for the next week to check the results...

Tuesday, July 7, I go in for an ultrasound to check how many follicles I had and how big they were. Last month I ended up with 4 follicles. As I lay there looking at the screen, I see nothing. I had one follicle measuring 21 cm. She looked at me and told me that I had now grown a resistance to clomid. I have grown resistant to letrozole and now clomid. She informed me with my endo and PCOS one follicle was not enough for her to do an IUI and we should trigger and try naturally. There is always hope but I must say this was a devastating blow. If this one follicle doesn't produce a pregnancy, I do not know what our next step is. 

It's heartbreaking to know what may stop us from having a child is money. We have always said we would do whatever it took to have a baby, but when it comes right down to it, I'm not sure where that money is going to come from. Our insurance covers nothing infertility related. I'm trying to stay positive because getting down isn't going to help anything. On a side note, I posted the song " I would die for that" along with "You never now what storm God has asked a person to walk through. Kindness goes a long way for someone who on the outside seems ok, but is broken on the inside." 10 poeple liked it and 6 people commented on it, when I temporarily died my hair pink 52 people liked it and 12 people commented on it...I guess real life is too real for some people. 

Leaving on a much needed vacation next Saturday!

Vacation

We are going to Hilton Head, SC this month on vacation; I am thinking I will take a couple weeks hiatus from blogging. I can't wrap my head around everything right now, and I'm trying to focus on having hope and faith. I will be back in touch soon.

with love
Kelli

Why everyone else and not us?

The dreaded TWW is over, and sadly another BFN. I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow to go over our plan. We go on vacation middle of July so I think we will take a break this month, or maybe my Dr. will have a different plan.

I did find a beautiful song and I wanted to share it with you all. It's "I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey.

Update from appt coming tomorrow.

with love

Kelli

The moment you realize infertility has taken over

Sometimes my words just do not come out right, sometimes it's hard to explain how I'm feeling. I learned today that in just about every conversation I have, infertility is on my mind.

I was in a discussion last week about karma. I said that I do not believe in karma because there are some really crappy people out there and nothing bad ever happens to them, and there are some really great people who just can't catch a break. In the same thought I mentioned I do however believe  I put good in the world in hopes that someone will be good to me when I need it. These comments blew the minds of those I was talking to. They said they now saw me in a different light, that they thought I was a nice person because it's the right thing to do, only now they believe it's because I want something in return.

Little did they know that I am struggling with finding good in the world and I'm very lost in it. I couldn't to put in words that I have prayed and pleaded with God to allow me to conceive a child, I have thought that maybe what goes around, does come around and maybe I need to put good back in the world to receive it only to be left empty and broken. I've tried every rational process of trying to understand why I'm infertile and others aren't. The conversation about karma circled around to infertility for me. It's the most heart breaking experience I have ever gone thru, so I'm sorry I don't have the "right" outlook on life in your opinion. My outlook is very blurry. I know I should lean on God but at the same time I'm so heart broken its hard to not question "WHY"?!

Second conversation with these same people came around today. It was about teaching children to share. Let me preface this with I do want my children to share with others. I told these people I do not believe in sharing (so maybe that wasn't the best thing to say). I went on to explain that when children think they must have a turn riding that bike, or whatever the object is, that sometimes life isn't that way. Sometimes you don't get your turn...friends this was the moment I realized I wasn't talking about bratty children, I was talking about myself.

I was talking about how unfair life can be and there isn't anything you can do about it sometimes. These people had NO CLUE what I was struggling with in this conversation. All they saw was a 31 year old childless woman saying she doesn't believe in sharing. They asked me if I was an only child and really made me feel like an awful person, but if they knew what my heart was saying would they have given me a pass to misspeak?  I am not sure but I do know this, infertility is a life changing, thought altering hardship. People do not understand the stress and pressure I feel right now waiting to find out if we're going to be parents this month or not.

I have no news on my TWW. I Haven't tested and I don't plan to until Friday (even though if i'm going to start it will be today or tomorrow most likely).

The clock is ticking down

Here I am, at the end of another TWW. My doctor said I could take a test yesterday, but I just couldn't do it. For the first time the thought of seeing a negative test was too much for me and especially on Father's day. I've decided to wait it out. I just pray I have the strength to get thru these next couple of days. IF aunt Flo were to visit, it should be soon. The TWW is so much harder than anyone not going thru infertility could understand. I can see the clock ticking, I can't take me eyes off of it.

here are some memes that are making me laugh today while I'm waiting..

Put In Bay, OH

For my 30th birthday, my sweet husband surprised me with a trip to Gatlinburg, TN. We had such a good time! From that moment on, I knew I had to do something equally as cool for him. (Yes I'm a year older than him, he calls me his cougar! Not fair!) I started looking into cool places that neither of us had visited, and in a random search I found Put In Bay an island on lake Erie. How cool is that?! I had no idea lake Erie had islands! I was so proud of myself for finding such a cool place to go. I booked a bed and breakfast called "The Getaway in at Coopers Woods" This place was AMAZING!. I called his boss and secretly asked for time off for my hubs. I wanted it to be a surprise!

About a week before we were to leave, on our wedding anniversary, I just bust at the seams and told  him he would not be going to work on Friday or Monday. He asked "why?!". I told him it was a secret LOL! Two days of him listing off all these places he thinks we may be going, I suggested a game. I would only answer yes and no questions. Thirty minutes later he was confused! i was enjoying every minute if it! I finally caved and told him where we were going. (I'm terrible at keeping secrets from him, so just know if you tell me something, he knows also! Whoops!)

We left first thing Friday, May, 29th and headed to Port Clinton, OH to board the ferry that would take us to the island.  It was then I told him we would not be taking my car across, that we would be riding bikes or golf carts around this 4 mile long and 3 mile wide island. FUN! The ferry ride was really cool! Here are some pics from our trip! It rained some of the rip but we didn't mind, we love just being with each other... most of the time LOL jk jk

Kayak the Bay!

Perry's Peace Monument (dedicated to the War of 1812)

HA! the water was so clear and beautiful! 

Fish Kiss

The biggest fish I have ever caught!

Date night!

Our Favorite Restaurant!

The Boardwalk

My happy camper!

Writers block

Here lately I've had some serious writers block! I don't have any updates to give and even if I did I'm trying really hard not to think about  every little thing I could think is a sign. Which leads me to my theory. Everything to me must mean something. I analyze and then I over analyze because every little thing must be a sign or it must mean something. Two Sunday's  ago I had an appt. to have my 3rd IUI. DH and I went to the appt. dropped off his sample and was about to go to the store for a drink when my car broke down. Right there in the parking lot. Rewind to the week before and we had to put our sweet bubby in the hospital because he was so sick. (Which cost a lot of money). Recently every time I've had a Dr. appt. something odd or bad happens that day AFTER the appt. My brain is in overdrive trying to figure out why all this is happening at the same time and the answer is I DON'T KNOW! I really don't know, I can't figure it out.

Now let me get this rant over, I am so beyond upset that fertility treatments and diagnostic testing is not covered by many insurance companies in the state of Kentucky. To tell me that having a child is an elective the same way having a boob job is an elective really burns my biscuit! PCOS is a diesease that should be treated fairly! What world do we live in?!? The U.S. is the only industrialized nation not to mandate paid leave for mothers of newborns. Most of the rest of the world has paid maternity leave policies. Other than the U.S, Lesotho, Swaziland and Papua New Guinea are the only other countries that do not. You mean to tell me that we are in the same class as Papua New Guinea?! I just CANT HANDLE it today!  WAKE UP AMERICA!

stepping off my soap box now

Re Blog

So... this is my first re-blog. I haven't written in awhile because frankly, I have nothing to report. After another failed month I started Clomid on Monday. I had been following Elisha at waiting for baby bird for some time now, when I came across her latest post. As I read line by line, my eyes filled with tears. Here are the words I wish I could say, what I wish people knew about me and my struggle.

original post by Elisha at waiting for baby bird

Infertility is More than Just the Inability to Conceive…

posted in The Journey, Whispers of Hope by Elisha

I am not sure if you are new to infertility or if you have been traveling this journey for months or even years.  But I think we can all agree that it is tough.  Really tough.  And when I began walking this road, I wasn’t prepared. Were you?  Because for me, I was naive.  I thought infertility was simply the inability to conceive after one year of actively trying. And rightfully so. Because isn’t that the definition? But ask me now?  Four years after leaving my doctor’s office numb and confused?  And then going through several failed treatment cycles and a miscarriage?  And I will quickly tell you that the definition Google search gave me years ago, is not even close to being accurate. And maybe you feel the same.  Because infertility, when you break it down, is so much more than just the inability to conceive…Because I have learned it is also a series of losses that you are forced to grieve month after month. Original post

It was then that I carried you

Waiting...That's what I'm doing. Just waiting. No news, no feelings of excitement, no feelings of doubt. I keep thinking if I were pregnant I should feel something, and I don't. But I guess that doesn't always mean I'm not pregnant. I'm trying this time to not stress about it and just let the days go by without worrying.

I do have some news but not my own, I recently wrote about the pregnancy announcement from my brother and sister in law. I received a phone call last week that they had lost the baby. I was speechless. I can't imagine the pain they are going thru. I also can't put into words the sorrow that surrounds this tragedy.  If you all could keep them in your prayers, that would be truly appreciated!

I didn't have the right words to say, I didn't have many words to say really. I tried to think of something that would help my family, and in doing that I also found something that helped me. I was reminded of the prayer "footprints in the sand".

"One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

We may not see it now, but the Lord is carrying us. And I can at least take comfort in that.

Long time no post

Well, I've been absent from blogging lately. I just am not sure what to say right now. I'm in another two week wait, my doctor went out of town last week so I was not able to have an IUI this month and I'm pretty bummed. I'm trying to stay positive the "old fashioned way" will do the trick. Mother's Day was Sunday and last year was REALLY hard on me. I cried the entire time and had to walk out, because I had an ugly cry going on. It really wasn't pretty. This year, I sat and watched the videos depicting what a mother looks like and what it feels like to be a mother. As I sat there feeling a lump in my throat, my mom reached over and rubbed my knee. She knew it wasn't easy for me to watch that and for some reason this year I did not cry.

I have been having some feelings of what I call rage lately. Every little thing gets on my nerves, and I guess its the Clomid. Although I never once felt depression like I did the last time I was on Clomid. I'm trying to keep it in check, but boy its hard! And the hot flashes! Let me say that again, THE HOT FLASHES are overwhelmingly hot! So that's my update... Stay posted

It did what?

Last week was a TRIP! And not even a good one! So I found out on Thursday that my follicles had not grown but they in fact had gotten smaller. So My Dr. put me on a booster dose of Letrozole over the weekend. She had hoped this booster dose would kick start my follicles to keep growing. But as we looked on at the ultrasound yesterday we both saw nothing. No results. She sent me to have blood drawn to make sure I hadn't ovulated. If I did not ovulate then I will go back on, for the first time in two years, clomid at 100 mg. I got the call to let me know I had not ovulated and my cycle has stalled so I started the clomid last night as directed. I am terrified. The last time I was on clomid I really struggled with my mental health. And since I did not ovulate I do not have to wait until next month to try again, were starting right away. I'm so confused about how my body works, but apparently all these medicines control everything! If anyone reading this can relate please leave me a comment. I have never had my cycle stall, so I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Thanks!

But I get up again

Today I can't help but hear this song in my head:

Chumbawamba 

"Tubthumping"

I get knocked down, But I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down

Yep that's how I'm feeling. This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I tried to explain to my in-laws why we weren't coming down to visit with family this weekend, but I feel I failed at that. I am always worried if someone is mad at me, or if I've offended someone. I tried. I really tried to keep their feelings in mind when I told them this weekend probably wouldn't be best to visit (even though it was kind of planned). But no matter how hard I try, this situation is hard on everyone. So instead of focusing on how hard things are, I'm going to really try to focus on getting back up and moving forward. It wasn't that long ago I thought Teddy Bridgewater was talking to me, where did that confidence go? It's a vicious cycle of building myself up to have hope to then just get knocked back down. 

I'm starting to believe that only people who are going thru or have been thru infertility will every truly understand what it feels like to hear someone else is pregnant and you're not. You feel sorrow and pain for your self, then you feel sorrow because they deserve a happy embrace but I struggle to show it. Then you agonize over making sure they know you love them. Next you feel guilt for even hurting, you try to tell yourself that your selfish and you shouldn't feel this way, but you just can't help it. I feel alone but I keep telling myself I'm not. 

I feel so bad that one sentence can flat knock me off my feet. Will I ever get stronger? I am not sure. I do not have that answer but I do know that no matter how many times I get knocked down, I will get back up again. 

Weight Watchers update: I lost another 1.8 lbs this week, so that's a plus!

Why does it have to pour when it rains?

This week is national infertility week. One in eight couples suffer from infertility, and the slogan is "you are not alone".  Then why do I feel so completely and utterly alone? I know women suffering from infertility and I still feel alone. I read your blogs, I hear your stories, I see your words of encouragement and I still feel alone.

My cd12 appt was yesterday, and it didn't go as well as I'd hope. I took 10 mg of letrozole coupled with estrogen patches and I still only produced two decent sized follicles both under 14 mm. And my lining was thinner than it ever has been before due to this increased dose of letrozole. I take the "growth" shots tomorrow and Thursday and then go back in on Thursday to check everything, if all looks good we will have an IUI on Friday. When I left the Dr. office I just felt defeated. I was really hoping for 3 good sized follicles and that didn't happen.

I go home, change clothes and head out for bowling. We were bowling for the number 1 spot. We lost. I wasn't too sad about that because bowling isn't my strong suit. But it was the last time I would bowl with my mother and aunt. They both have decided to give up bowling.

The drive home was odd, I was trying to be positive, I was trying to convince myself everything was going to be OK. I get home, plop down on the couch and turn on my show that I had recorded and then my brother in law calls. I answer and he is asking me if we are coming to visit this weekend (they live 3 hours away)and we talked a little about a wedding we are going to in Chicago in June. He said he has called my hubby but he did not answer. He then asked me to have Brad give him a call when he was free.

I hollered to my hubby to let him know to call his brother. About 5 minutes later Brad comes walking down the hall with a defeated face and with my brother in law on speaker phone... I knew right away what I was about to hear. I wanted to run away. I wanted to grab my keys and just leave! But I didn't move. My brother in law told us he knew our struggles and he wanted to approach this delicately but they were expecting baby #2. It started to pour, not the rain but the tears from my eyes. I tell them how happy I am for them (but they could never imagine the pain and sorrow I felt). When the call finally ended, I buried my face into my hands and I just sobbed. The hardest thing is being happy for someone else but so heartbroken for yourself.

Today my face is swollen as I sit here typing out my feelings. My heart is broken and my spirit is crushed. I know if God brings me to it he will see me thru it but this time.. this time I just don't know. This feels like rock bottom. I told my hubby I wanted to give up last night and part of me still means that. I want to be a mother more than anything in life and that same desire is causing the most pain I have ever felt. I feel so alone. I'm 1 in 8 and today I'm not OK, I'm not strong.

Weekend recap

Last week my husband went on a golfing trip with my dad. I have officially been replaced! The plan was for him to be home Sunday evening. So all weekend I was left to my own devises. I decided I wanted to clean out the basement to hurry the process of having it finished. That proved to be too large of a task for just myself. I sent a text to my hubby and told him I was exhausted. My husbands response proved to me that God gave me the right man to marry. He told me "why don't you let me do that? You just get a list together of all projects you want to get done and we will work on them, how about going to get some flowers for the planter." Swoon. So I did. It turned out to be a great weekend that was topped off by my hubby coming home earlier than expected and we spent the day together.

I started this round of letrozole fermara. This is the first time I've take four pills. So wish me luck and send baby dust! Oh and I lost another 4.8 lbs this week!!! That's 12 lbs total!!

Teddy is talking to me

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a HUGE UofL fan. One of my all time favorite football players to come out of UofL is Teddy Bridgewater. He is kind, generous, gracious and one heck of a quarterback! He is the type of player you want representing your school/organization. Teddy went on to become a Minnesota Viking after college. He was the last pick of the first round of the draft. Luckily for me, my dad has been a Vikings fan ever since I can remember, so of course I jumped on that band wagon!

Monday, April 6th I log onto Twitter and the first tweet I see is from Teddy Bridgewater. The Tweet reads "That delay you're experiencing doesn't mean denial. Keep the faith!". Uhm did Teddy just write that for me? Have you ever been in church and you seriously think your pastor is talking directly to you? That is what this felt like. Teddy knew my pain, my struggle and he was telling me to "keep the faith". I guess you could call me a superstitious person, but I like to think everything happens for a reason (except when people tell me that I will have a baby when the timing is right or that it will happen when it's supposed to. That drives me bonkers!). I took his words and thought that maybe, just maybe God sent those words to him to encourage me.

Yesterday I am scrolling through Twitter when I come across another Tweet from Teddy. The tweet reads "A breakthrough is coming your way.. Have a blessed day!". WHAT! Stop it! I run over to my friends office and I yell "Teddy is talking to me!". Thankfully she knows me and she knows how I operate. I think of everything as a sign, I wish I didn't but at this point that's how my faith works right now. Seeing signs makes me feel like God is talking to me. My mind is so restless these days I'm having trouble being quiet and listening for God's advice. Growing in faith kind of reminds me of food. Stay with me. When your down on your faith and your struggling to be positive, its easier to chew on softer, easier to digest scripture. God knows my heart and He knows I need a little help right now being positive. It's hard for me, and after last week, God knew I needed a little pep talk. I believe God provided that pep talk form Teddy Bridgewater.

So this week has most definitely been a better than last week! And I lost another 2.4 lbs! That's 8.4 lbs. total in two weeks! I'm kicking fats butt!

Gut Check

The Hubs and I had taken the month of March off from TTC for timing issues. I felt a lot guilt for doing that but I know it's what was best for us. We will pick back up in April with 10 mg Letrozol, which is highest dosage I've ever taken, estrogen, progesterone, injections and if all goes well trigger shot with an IUI. I also joined Weight Watchers. I have done this program before and it really works for me. Last week I lost 5.8 lbs! I am feeling hopeful for this month. I am excited about the possibilities this month brings. But as soon as I let the good  feelings in the devil creeps in.

Today has not been a great day. It stormed last night and we have had a lot of flooding. I woke up and noticed we had a leak in the ceiling in the nursery. Sigh! Next my wonderful husband left our fur babies out. We keep them in their bedroom while we're at work, and he puts them up before I leave for work. So of course my sweet bub left me a surprise on the hardwood floor. No problem right? Its hardwood it will clean right up. WRONG! The finish came off and it was just a mess. I'm sure you didn't want to read any of that, I digress.

Before I left for work, I checked the news to see if the roadways were clear. They said slight delay on Gene Synder, but that's everyday. So I head out to work. I get 20 minutes down the road and I'm barely moving. An hour goes by and I finally hear a tractor trailer has hydroplaned and has both lanes blocked. I get to work almost two hours late! Fantastic! Luckily everyone understood the situation!

I decide to get on Facebook to wish my friend a happy birthday when I saw it, the gut check. A girl I know posted an ultrasound of twins announcing her pregnancy. I'm so happy for her. I really am, but my heart broke. My heart is broken and as much as I try to repair it, those cracks never go away. The devil seeps in through those cracks and I succumb to the sorrow. Will there ever be a day when I see those announcements and not feel pain? I feel like a horrible woman for feeling pain during someone else's joy. 

So today, I am saving my Weight Watchers points and I am going to go out and have pizza. I am going to go shopping, I am going to to be happy. One way or another, I can not let the jealousy win, it may come again in my life but I will do whatever I have to do to make sure that pain doesn't win! It doesn't get to! I may cry today, but I will smile. I am hopeful. 

My hunting, fishing outdoors man husband who never sheds a tear

I came home on Wednesday and I couldn't have been more happy to see my husband! We play volleyball on Thursday nights. So the next day I was getting ready for volleyball when I couldn't find my white sports bra. All my clothes are kept in the "red room". The red room is the room directly next to ours and we painted it red.

Brad decided before I left on Saturday that he wanted me to go thru some of my old clothes to get rid of them. He wanted to "clean out" that room. So we moved most of my clothes to our bedroom. So here I am, looking for my sports bra and I cannot find it. I holler out "Have you seen my white sports bra?!?". I hear laughing. Laughing? Why is he laughing at me? He tells me he has not seen it and continues to laugh. I am SO confused at this point. I walk in the living room where he is and I ask him what is so funny. He tells me he has a case of the giggles....my husband has a case of the giggles. My hunting, fishing outdoors man who never sheds a tear has a case of the giggles? I think not.

I am getting frustrated when he tells me, why don't you go look in the red room to see if you can find it. Ok, I thought, that makes sense. I open the door and I find that my hunting, fishing outdoors man husband who never sheds a tear has turned the red room into a nursery. Tears fill my eyes as I cannot believe what I am looking at. White chair rail, light lilac painted walls. He made a baby girl nursery. And as happy as I was I also knew this meant he truly believed that this was the time it was going to work, this was going to be our month. Panic set in for me. What if this is not our month? How am I going to tell him? I can deal with my own pain, but when it comes to him, I never want to see him hurting.

We decided not to take a test until day 31. That was my longest cycle day in the past 6 months so we figured that was a safe bet. On cd 31 at 6:00 p.m the pregnancy test read "Not Pregnant" and I found myself apologizing to my husband for not being pregnant. Telling him this wasn't his fault, it was mine. We hugged each other and I decided to go about my normal routine of bowling that night. As soon as I got to the bowling alley, aunt Flo paid me a visit.

When I got home I found a card on my pillow. Inside the card were the words of my husband letting me know this is not MY fault, and were in this together. it's a WE thing not a ME thing. Even with his sweet words, it doesn't feel like a WE thing. Its hard knowing you're body is the cause.

So we move on. This month will be a break month for us due to some timing issues. I'm trying to focus on God this month and trying to heal my heart. Its very broken. I went to church for the first time in over a year on Sunday and it felt really good.

to be continued.

Too much going on

On February 20th I went in for my second IUI, my first with this new Dr. I had given myself injections the prior days to help my follicles grow. I had two good sized follicles on my right side and one small one on my left. Because I was set to fly out to Washington, D.C for a work trip, I had to have my IUI done a day earlier than the Dr. preferred but she still thought it would be OK.

Needless to say the next couple days were VERY stressful due to the snow/ice storm. due to many cancelled flights and delays I ended up flying from Louisville, KY to Tampa, Fl at 1:30 p.m. I sat in the Tampa airport until 9:30 p.m. We were almost to Baltimore when the pilot came on over the intercom and informed us that the Baltimore airport has been closed due to the storms and we would need to land in Norfolk, VA. By this time is close to 11:30 p.m. They never let us off the airplane and about 30 minutes later, Baltimore opened back up and in the air we went...AGAIN. Finally we landed in Baltimore around midnight and we had about an hour and half drive to D.C. Thankfully i was with a group the whole time and we had a charter bus driving us. We all slept on the bus on the way to D.C.

Part of my job is assisting our event coordinator, with all the bad weather and cancellations, it made this trip very stressful. All I could think about was "I hope my stress level doesn't affect my chances for pregnancy". Most people do not understand the pressure and stress struggling with infertility causes. Your hormones and emotions are all over the place, so adding this additional stress was terrifying. The week passed and I came home on that Wednesday.....

more to follow

New Dr. and DRAMA!

After our failed IUI, I decided I wanted to go to a new doctor. My Dr. at that time told me he felt as we were at the end of our rope with fertility drugs and we should consider moving on to IVF. I just wasn't ready to accept that so I made an appointment with a new doctor. I filled out my paperwork with a consent form allowing them to send my medical records to my new Dr. office.


My first appointment with my new Dr. was yesterday. It's been three months since my IUI and Brad and I haven't spent much time thinking of anything. We really tried to take a break. So when I showed up to the appointment yesterday, I was surprised to find out that my "old" Dr. office didn't send over my records but then also hung up on my new Dr. office three times when they called to try and retrieve the records! CRAZY! I was just stunned at the unprofessionalism. Because of that I needed to walk step by step thru my history with my new Dr. to give her an idea of a game plan for going forward until she gets my records. I honestly forgot what that pain felt like until yesterday. I was reliving my nightmares and feeling the stress.


I spent 2 hours with mt new Dr. and she was very informative and thorough; I left knowing more about PCOS and Endometrosis. I asked the dreaded "what are my chances of having a baby with medicine" question and her answer was 20%. Twenty percent?!?! Twenty percent?!?! I had a mini melt down when I got in my car heading back to work. I couldn't shake the thought of how low that sounded and how hopeless I felt. I got home and I couldn't shake the haze. I asked Brad if we needed to have a conversation on how we were going to pay for IVF. We have had no plan in action for IVF up until this point so I felt we needed to talk about it, right then, right now! I didn't sleep much last night...


I woke up this morning and in true Kelli fashion I wanted to compare my odds with medicine with "normal" women's odds...and bam there it was, just as quick as I could type it into google..the answer. "For most couples trying to conceive, the odds that a woman will become pregnant in any particular month are about 15% to 25%". So maybe 20% isn't so bad... why do I always jump to the bad before having faith? Why do I need facts to help calm my mind?

So anyway, now that I'm on  a positive slide, I am ovulating on my own (not strong but hey its there) so that's a good thing. The plan for the future is to get back on Fermara with a higher dosage to see if we can get more follicles along with metformin dieting and exercise. Wish me luck.. here we go again!