This week is national infertility week. One in eight couples suffer from infertility, and the slogan is "you are not alone". Then why do I feel so completely and utterly alone? I know women suffering from infertility and I still feel alone. I read your blogs, I hear your stories, I see your words of encouragement and I still feel alone.
My cd12 appt was yesterday, and it didn't go as well as I'd hope. I took 10 mg of letrozole coupled with estrogen patches and I still only produced two decent sized follicles both under 14 mm. And my lining was thinner than it ever has been before due to this increased dose of letrozole. I take the "growth" shots tomorrow and Thursday and then go back in on Thursday to check everything, if all looks good we will have an IUI on Friday. When I left the Dr. office I just felt defeated. I was really hoping for 3 good sized follicles and that didn't happen.
I go home, change clothes and head out for bowling. We were bowling for the number 1 spot. We lost. I wasn't too sad about that because bowling isn't my strong suit. But it was the last time I would bowl with my mother and aunt. They both have decided to give up bowling.
The drive home was odd, I was trying to be positive, I was trying to convince myself everything was going to be OK. I get home, plop down on the couch and turn on my show that I had recorded and then my brother in law calls. I answer and he is asking me if we are coming to visit this weekend (they live 3 hours away)and we talked a little about a wedding we are going to in Chicago in June. He said he has called my hubby but he did not answer. He then asked me to have Brad give him a call when he was free.
I hollered to my hubby to let him know to call his brother. About 5 minutes later Brad comes walking down the hall with a defeated face and with my brother in law on speaker phone... I knew right away what I was about to hear. I wanted to run away. I wanted to grab my keys and just leave! But I didn't move. My brother in law told us he knew our struggles and he wanted to approach this delicately but they were expecting baby #2. It started to pour, not the rain but the tears from my eyes. I tell them how happy I am for them (but they could never imagine the pain and sorrow I felt). When the call finally ended, I buried my face into my hands and I just sobbed. The hardest thing is being happy for someone else but so heartbroken for yourself.
Today my face is swollen as I sit here typing out my feelings. My heart is broken and my spirit is crushed. I know if God brings me to it he will see me thru it but this time.. this time I just don't know. This feels like rock bottom. I told my hubby I wanted to give up last night and part of me still means that. I want to be a mother more than anything in life and that same desire is causing the most pain I have ever felt. I feel so alone. I'm 1 in 8 and today I'm not OK, I'm not strong.
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