Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The moment you realize infertility has taken over

Sometimes my words just do not come out right, sometimes it's hard to explain how I'm feeling. I learned today that in just about every conversation I have, infertility is on my mind.

I was in a discussion last week about karma. I said that I do not believe in karma because there are some really crappy people out there and nothing bad ever happens to them, and there are some really great people who just can't catch a break. In the same thought I mentioned I do however believe  I put good in the world in hopes that someone will be good to me when I need it. These comments blew the minds of those I was talking to. They said they now saw me in a different light, that they thought I was a nice person because it's the right thing to do, only now they believe it's because I want something in return.

Little did they know that I am struggling with finding good in the world and I'm very lost in it. I couldn't to put in words that I have prayed and pleaded with God to allow me to conceive a child, I have thought that maybe what goes around, does come around and maybe I need to put good back in the world to receive it only to be left empty and broken. I've tried every rational process of trying to understand why I'm infertile and others aren't. The conversation about karma circled around to infertility for me. It's the most heart breaking experience I have ever gone thru, so I'm sorry I don't have the "right" outlook on life in your opinion. My outlook is very blurry. I know I should lean on God but at the same time I'm so heart broken its hard to not question "WHY"?!

Second conversation with these same people came around today. It was about teaching children to share. Let me preface this with I do want my children to share with others. I told these people I do not believe in sharing (so maybe that wasn't the best thing to say). I went on to explain that when children think they must have a turn riding that bike, or whatever the object is, that sometimes life isn't that way. Sometimes you don't get your turn...friends this was the moment I realized I wasn't talking about bratty children, I was talking about myself.

I was talking about how unfair life can be and there isn't anything you can do about it sometimes. These people had NO CLUE what I was struggling with in this conversation. All they saw was a 31 year old childless woman saying she doesn't believe in sharing. They asked me if I was an only child and really made me feel like an awful person, but if they knew what my heart was saying would they have given me a pass to misspeak?  I am not sure but I do know this, infertility is a life changing, thought altering hardship. People do not understand the stress and pressure I feel right now waiting to find out if we're going to be parents this month or not.

I have no news on my TWW. I Haven't tested and I don't plan to until Friday (even though if i'm going to start it will be today or tomorrow most likely).

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