Friday, April 3, 2015

Gut Check

The Hubs and I had taken the month of March off from TTC for timing issues. I felt a lot guilt for doing that but I know it's what was best for us. We will pick back up in April with 10 mg Letrozol, which is highest dosage I've ever taken, estrogen, progesterone, injections and if all goes well trigger shot with an IUI. I also joined Weight Watchers. I have done this program before and it really works for me. Last week I lost 5.8 lbs! I am feeling hopeful for this month. I am excited about the possibilities this month brings. But as soon as I let the good  feelings in the devil creeps in.

Today has not been a great day. It stormed last night and we have had a lot of flooding. I woke up and noticed we had a leak in the ceiling in the nursery. Sigh! Next my wonderful husband left our fur babies out. We keep them in their bedroom while we're at work, and he puts them up before I leave for work. So of course my sweet bub left me a surprise on the hardwood floor. No problem right? Its hardwood it will clean right up. WRONG! The finish came off and it was just a mess. I'm sure you didn't want to read any of that, I digress.

Before I left for work, I checked the news to see if the roadways were clear. They said slight delay on Gene Synder, but that's everyday. So I head out to work. I get 20 minutes down the road and I'm barely moving. An hour goes by and I finally hear a tractor trailer has hydroplaned and has both lanes blocked. I get to work almost two hours late! Fantastic! Luckily everyone understood the situation!

I decide to get on Facebook to wish my friend a happy birthday when I saw it, the gut check. A girl I know posted an ultrasound of twins announcing her pregnancy. I'm so happy for her. I really am, but my heart broke. My heart is broken and as much as I try to repair it, those cracks never go away. The devil seeps in through those cracks and I succumb to the sorrow. Will there ever be a day when I see those announcements and not feel pain? I feel like a horrible woman for feeling pain during someone else's joy. 

So today, I am saving my Weight Watchers points and I am going to go out and have pizza. I am going to go shopping, I am going to to be happy. One way or another, I can not let the jealousy win, it may come again in my life but I will do whatever I have to do to make sure that pain doesn't win! It doesn't get to! I may cry today, but I will smile. I am hopeful. 


2 comments:

  1. So sorry you had a bad day - Hope the week has been better ever since!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! The pizza helped, and luckily it's a new day!

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