New Dr. and DRAMA!

After our failed IUI, I decided I wanted to go to a new doctor. My Dr. at that time told me he felt as we were at the end of our rope with fertility drugs and we should consider moving on to IVF. I just wasn't ready to accept that so I made an appointment with a new doctor. I filled out my paperwork with a consent form allowing them to send my medical records to my new Dr. office.


My first appointment with my new Dr. was yesterday. It's been three months since my IUI and Brad and I haven't spent much time thinking of anything. We really tried to take a break. So when I showed up to the appointment yesterday, I was surprised to find out that my "old" Dr. office didn't send over my records but then also hung up on my new Dr. office three times when they called to try and retrieve the records! CRAZY! I was just stunned at the unprofessionalism. Because of that I needed to walk step by step thru my history with my new Dr. to give her an idea of a game plan for going forward until she gets my records. I honestly forgot what that pain felt like until yesterday. I was reliving my nightmares and feeling the stress.


I spent 2 hours with mt new Dr. and she was very informative and thorough; I left knowing more about PCOS and Endometrosis. I asked the dreaded "what are my chances of having a baby with medicine" question and her answer was 20%. Twenty percent?!?! Twenty percent?!?! I had a mini melt down when I got in my car heading back to work. I couldn't shake the thought of how low that sounded and how hopeless I felt. I got home and I couldn't shake the haze. I asked Brad if we needed to have a conversation on how we were going to pay for IVF. We have had no plan in action for IVF up until this point so I felt we needed to talk about it, right then, right now! I didn't sleep much last night...


I woke up this morning and in true Kelli fashion I wanted to compare my odds with medicine with "normal" women's odds...and bam there it was, just as quick as I could type it into google..the answer. "For most couples trying to conceive, the odds that a woman will become pregnant in any particular month are about 15% to 25%". So maybe 20% isn't so bad... why do I always jump to the bad before having faith? Why do I need facts to help calm my mind?

So anyway, now that I'm on  a positive slide, I am ovulating on my own (not strong but hey its there) so that's a good thing. The plan for the future is to get back on Fermara with a higher dosage to see if we can get more follicles along with metformin dieting and exercise. Wish me luck.. here we go again!

Holly Jolly Christmas?

It's the most wonderful time of year...right? Maybe not for me...anymore.

I've been very busy with work lately and I've not had a lot of time to sit and think. Which is probably a good thing but it just hit me while in the middle of our annual meeting AF visited. I didn't have time to cry or grieve, or to even process what I was feeling, until now. I am so overwhelming sad. This is the third Christmas season I've dealt with this pain. Last year was VERY bad. I was on clomid at that time and I was mentally unstable to say the least.

But this year I am just empty. No happiness, no joy, no laughter just a blank canvas of a person. I feel like I'm losing myself. If I do laugh its forced. I think I play the "I'm ok" part well when I have to. But I'm tired of playing the part. I just want to be mad. I don't want to go shopping and see all the things I want to buy for a baby I want so badly. I don't want to see all these babies on social media with their "babies first Christmas" outfits. I can't handle seeing another pregnancy announcement.

My last name is Jolly but I am anything but that right now. I am writing this in hopes of the day when I can look back at my pain and be that much more grateful when we do get our miracle child.

All over again

It is probably not a shock that my husband is a hunter/outdoors-man. This past weekend was opening day of gun season. Brad prefers to hunt with a bow but this is his favorite season. He left on Wednesday and at that time we were still in our two week waiting period after our first IUI. On Thursday the wait was over, two negative pregnancy test and a visit from aunt Flo confirmed my greatest fears. We were not pregnant.

I thought for sure I would lose faith, I thought I would break down.. I thought wrong.

I drove to the farm Friday afternoon to meet my husband so I could see him. I had already planned to come down on Saturday, but I needed him. I had an hour drive until I was in his arms. I thought about all the reasons I could be upset but none of them stuck. I talked to my mom and I was OK. I hadn't broken down yet. I knew it was coming but when would I feel it? I finally arrived at the farm and decided to go out hunting with him that evening so we could have some alone time.

We hadn't spoken a word about it until we reached the tree stand. I climbed up and sat down across from him. I looked at the man I married. We whispered to each other how upset we were over not being pregnant when we felt so strongly God was telling us to move forward, and that's when it hit me. God is telling us to move forward but he wanted me to have something else first.

When Brad is hunting, he is in his element. He was sure of what he was doing and in that moment I feel in love with my husband all over again. I hadn't looked at him or had those types of feelings in a long time. We have been together for 5 years, and in those years our relationship has gotten very comfortable. I think that just goes with marriage. So here am I sitting across from the most handsome man I have ever seen and thinking how lucky I am to have him as my husband. I think God wanted to draw me closer to my husband. Over the last 2 and half years we've had some really trying times and it's not been easy to find romance in our relationship. Everything was scheduled, most conversations included the agenda for baby making of the month. I was exhausted.

I have not shed a tear for the failed IUI this month, but instead I have more hope and more love in my heart. God did send me a message, it just was not in the order I thought it would be. Brad and I have decided to change doctors so that we can get a second opinion about whats going on with our situation, but we will not go in for that appointment until January. Until then, we're going to enjoy each other's company, have date nights and put the passion back in our marriage all over again.

Faith

Sometimes having faith is hard. The bible tells me that if I have faith the size of a mustard seed, I can move mountains! I can move mountains?

In my heart I KNOW I will be a mother and I know this is the month, its going to happen; but the devil sneaks in and reminds me of how devastating it could be to put all my faith in God that he will provide us with a baby and then come up with negative results. When life is calm it is much easier to move mountains. Your faith is complete and you have little to no doubt. What do you do when you can't escape your doubt?

Let's back up a couple weeks... When we found out we had another big fat negative month, we had a conversation about how far can we afford to go. IUI (artificial insemination) cost anywhere from $500.00-$900.00 and was our next step. We know that we want a baby at any cost, but when you look at your bank account its a little harder to put faith into a procedure that may or may not work. All of that doubt and worry ended on Monday night. 

I bowl in a women's league with my mom and aunt. I have bowled terribly this session! Every week the strike pot comes by me and I always say no, because I know I'm not that good of a bowler and it just never interested me. This Monday, however, I learned the strike pot was up to $300.00. I pulled three dollars out of my wallet and bought three tickets. I had three chances to win the strike pot. It's now time to draw the lucky number of the person who will go for the strike pot. In order to win you must bowl a strike on the spot. If  you do not bowl the strike the money carries over to next week. I get my tickets out and wait for the numbers to be called. "The winning ticket is #3040....." I look down and then back up to see if anyone around me had the winning ticket. No one is standing up, I look down at my tickets once more and I had the winning ticket!! How did I not see it?!? I jump up and let everyone in the joint know I had the winning ticket!

Now the reality sets in...I must bowl a strike right now to win this $300.00. I had been bowling great all night. I can do this! I grab my ball, pick a lane and give myself a pep talk of much we needed this money. I throw my ball down the lane and very quickly I know this is a good ball! It's still good, hits the pens and all fall but one.... I put my hands over my eyes and before I could turn around the pen falls over! I DID IT! I bowled the strike!

I know God doesn't pick sides in sports, I know he does not answer prayers of gambling wants, but I do know God knew I needed this push, this reassurance to go ahead and move forward with this procedure. For the first time in a long time I truly believe God spoke to me. I knew my ovulation would come this same week and God provided me with $300.00 we hadn't expected to have. The answer was simple and clear. Just jump. Spend the money and make the leap. 

So we did. Yesterday we went into our doctors office and I did the IUI procedure. I put all faith and hope into this decision. How blessed am I that I was given a monetary gift that meant more than most people understood. God will provide.

If anyone is out there reading this blog, I ask for your prayers. I am trying to stay strong and keep my faith but my imagination is running wild and I'm terrified. I have been given such an over powering message and somehow I'm still scared. I want God to know I do trust Him and I do have faith in Him but I'm scared. Can that go hand in hand?

I took a selfie as I laid on the table after the procedure and sent it to Brad with the caption "Just laying here making our baby"...I WILL have faith!

The wait is over

I tried really hard this month to stay positive, but in the back of my mind were my true raw emotions of failure. Again this month we were disappointed, but I am feeling something I haven't quite felt this entire time of TTC. I am ready to fight! I have been so careful about what I said or felt or thought. It's time to put up my dukes and let em fly! I will be a mother and Brad and I will be parents! To be continued...