My path and my destination

For the past two years Brad and I have been struggling to get pregnant. We have had zero success at this point. Last month I underwent surgery to try and find answers for my infertility. The doctor found I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), endometriosis and my left ovary was tucked inside a pocket of my bowel. To rectify these issues I had a DNC and ovarian drilling.

So here am I post-surgery one month later and another unsuccessful month of trying for baby Jolly. The day I started my period I was completely defeated. I couldn't think of one positive in this situation. My relationship with God has been tested. I do not doubt that he is my savior, I am having trouble accepting what’s happening in my life and I am wondering why He isn't helping us. Today I found a new blog to read. The blogger has gone thru what I’m going thru and her faith is stronger than ever. It was hard for me to read her post at first but the more I read the more I realized where I’m going wrong. I have tried doing this on my own but now it’s time to put this in God’s hands.

I am ready to stop trying to control everything around me and I’m ready to be open and honest with God. I’m ready to ask for his help and trust he will come through. I know he works miracles and I know he has worked them for me. I will have faith, I will over-come and I will be a mother. My cousin reminded me today “Don’t confuse your path with your destination. Just because its stormy today doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine.”

The Liebster Award

I received an email from a fellow blogger who was nominated for the Liebster Award. The Liebster Award is an internet only award that you pass along to other fascinating bloggers. The reward in this, you get to pay it forward! This award goes to bloggers who have 200 or less followers. Part of the award is to list 11 things about yourself and then answer some questions from the blogger that nominated you.

11 Fun Facts about Kelli:

1) I love playing Call of Duty and thankfully I have a husband who will play the same silly game on there over and over with me.

2) I am afraid of the dark! No seriously my imagination is wild!

3) I have a heightened sense of smell and taste buds! When people say “oh Kelli you can’t even taste the onion” I beg to differ! Yes I can!

4) I love all things wedding! I still watch Say yes to the dress even though I’ve been married for a year and a half.

5) My little sister called me Er-Er until she was in middle school. I have no idea where she got that. She could say my name and sister but chose Er-Er instead.

6) I work mostly with people who come from a farming background, I have always lived in Louisville metro and I stick out like s sore thumb most times!

7) I change my hair color with my mood! I always catch the joke “what color is your hair going to be tomorrow?”

8) I love OLD country music. My sister is the true old soul but I would consider myself a musical old soul. Today’s music just isn’t the same.

9) I almost drowned in Jamaica on a river tubing tour. Long story short my tube flipped and it was lodged in the narrow opening I was going through and I couldn’t find the top of the water.

10) I hate opening presents in front of people! There is always this expectation of what your reaction should be and I just get so nervous trying to live up to it.

11) I actually like Richard Sherman despite all the negative backlash he has received. If you think he acted like a fool in his interview with Erin Andrews, go listen to her talk about Richard Sherman’s interview.

Ok so here are the questions from Carilynn:

What is the one thing that would be a must have on a deserted island? My husband, Brad!

Favorite city to visit and why? This is a hard one, I haven’t traveled much in the U.S

What is your go to recipe for company? Potato soup!

If you had to describe your favorite outfit what would it consist of? Dark Jeans, Cowboy boots and a flow shirt!

What do you do to unwind on a stressful day? Go home and drink a glass of wine

Are you a picture taker or a memory maker? Both! I love making memories but I always want to capture those memories.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I’m a free spirited dreamer. Where I want to be changes daily!

What inspired you to start blogging? I like to talk, so it seemed like a natural fit after one of my work friends told me about her new blog.

If you could meet any one live or dead who would be at the top of the list? Jesus

Are you dog person or a cat person? Dog for sure!

What is your favorite part of blogging? I enjoy writing but I really enjoy reading other peoples life experiences! It’s so much fun!

Now for the final part of this award, nominating other blogs. I would like to nominate one of my favorites:


1.)Callie over at http://bennettcoker.blogspot.com/

Callie, your questions are:

1.) What is the one thing that would be a must have on a deserted island?
2.) Favorite city to visit and why?
3.) What is your go to hair style?
4.) If you had to describe your favorite outfit what would it consist of?
5.) What do you do to unwind on a stressful day?
6.) Are you a picture taker or a memory maker?
7.) Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
8.) What inspired you to start blogging?
9.) If you could meet any one live or dead who would be at the top of the list?
10.) What is your ideal vacation?
11.) What is your favorite part of blogging?

My Confession

I'm sure it's not shock to anyone that I can hold my own in most situations. But lately I've found myself in a helpless situation that I cannot control. Let me just say that not being able to control this situation leaves me feeling like I must have done something very bad in my life to deserve this. Brad and I have been trying to have a baby for well over a year and half now with no success. I am now on medicine that will hopefully help. The first go round didn't work, so immediately I thought negative. I just want something to work. It's really hard not to blame yourself for this not working. Every time I turn around someone I know is pregnant. I am so happy for those people. I am truly excited for them, but as soon as I find out I call Brad and I feel sad. Why not us? I hear there are different levels of acceptance, I hope this specific post becomes helpful to me as I'm typing this. I would like to type out the levels of acceptance and describe where I am. 

The first step is Denial: Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism. This just can not be happening to me! I've never had any health problems, Brad is healthy, were married, have a home together were ready. Were did everything "right". I've moved on, this is our journey. 

Step Two Anger: Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Yes I am angry. Every time I saw a drug using female get pregnant, I got angry! Every time I heard some teenager who has no business being a mother get pregnant, I got angry. Every time someone complains about their children, I got angry. The list goes on. I accept that is their journey and mine is different.


Step Three Bargaining: I would just like to say this one plagues me a little bit. Some would bargain with God, "God I promise to be a better person if you give me this..." I know better. God doesn't bargain, HE has a plan. Yes, I'm struggling to understand and accept but I know bargaining is useless. 

Step Four Depression: It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality. I do accept my journey, and my reality and I believe I have made it over this hump. I still don't talk about this in certain company, but I am not as closed off as I used to be. With that said, I do not want to have conversations about advice. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: "You just need to stop trying so hard!" or "It'll happen just when you stop TRYING!" WOW now that's a thought! 

Step Five Acceptance: OK, me; what’s next? I'm ready for whatever comes. I think I'm here. The first year I refused to think I needed help with this. I was in disbelief that I may need help to have a baby when it seemed so easy for everyone else. 

What I really need is understanding. Some days I'm perfectly fine and some days I go back in steps. I find myself back at step two most often. Its heartbreaking to ask your husband and family to please accept me for the crazy person I may become. I called my mom the day I found out I would for sure need medical help to have children and she said the kindest words to me I will never forget. She told me "Kelli, I am here for you. I've told your dad and your sister and they are here for you. We know you may have your ups and downs..maybe more downs and just know we are all here supporting you." Thank you mom. That was so very sweet!


I am positive, tomorrow i start my second round of clomid and I'm praying this works. I am on an emotional roller coaster while on this medicine so if you see me, please give me a pass. I promise to return the favor if you ever need it. One funny thing I would like to share is that I will NEVER make fun of my mother or aunts for having hot flashes ever again! Shew Weeee I get hot and it happens anywhere anytime!


To end this, I feel better having expressed myself. I was very ashamed for a long time about what has been going on or the lack there of. I don't know who all reads this, but I don't need sympathy, I don't need pity I need your prayers.
Thanks for letting me vent :)

The lie...

Girl is born, grows up, meets the perfect boy falls in love, gets married he is everything she ever dreamed of, makes all her wishes come true, always buys her “just because” gifts, always tells her she is beautiful, always puts her first, never makes mistakes, he is the envy of all her friends, has the perfect children and the process starts over again. The end. Somewhere in the middle Facebook, reality TV shows and movies dictate what this perfect life is. First, let me start with marriage. Weddings are major productions and at the root of it all mean nothing without this vow: I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. 

 Really think about this vow. Many people think that marriage is about marrying the right person, so when things go wrong, they automatically go to the “I married the wrong person” place. If this is you, please do me a favor. First thing, burn your grudges. It’s time to set some bad memories on fire. Literally. Sometimes hanging on to those “Do you remember the time you did such and such?” moments are the things that lead to relationship sabotage. Instead of carrying grudges around forever, torch them. Write them all down on a piece of paper. Then set a timer for a certain amount of time. It might be 10 minutes. It might be 30. It might be the whole day. The point is: Give yourself as long as you need to really wallow in the misery of these grudges. Savor them. Get angry about them. Mutter about them. Do whatever you need to do to get sick and tired of them, once you are done, say, ‘I will not think about these anymore. These grudges have lost their usefulness. Then take a match and burn them. 

The next thing I encourage you to do is write your spouse’s eulogy. Really think about the words and stories you would use to describe this person. After you are finished read it to yourself (don’t let your spouse know because it may seem a little awkward you’re writing their eulogy). You should be reading all of the good and wonderful things about this person and hopefully this will give you some appreciation for this person. Maybe it’s an appreciation that you have stored deep inside and locked it away. Life is hard and it can make you bitter. 

I encourage everyone struggling in their marriages to do these two things. I decided to write about this because I know many women struggling with the lie that is a perfect life. The perfect life is full of flaws, mistakes, ups and downs and that is why they call life the ride. There is beauty in the breaking that most of us miss. Every tear falls for a reason and in that reason you’ll find your peace. “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” -Dr. Seuss

My Paradise?

Friday afternoon I walked out onto my patio deck while talking on my cell phone. I look up and at my lovely ferns and there it was… a snake! I screamed so loud I’m pretty sure that people around the neighborhood heard me! I ran into the house, shut the sliding glass door and made sure Lucy was in the house. I hate snakes! The only good snake is a dead snake in my opinion! This snake was curled up right by a finches bird nest.

I call out to Brad, but it probably sounded more like a scream or demand, for him to come get this snake out of our pergola. He walks into the kitchen looks out the door and has the biggest smile on his face. What is wrong with him? He looked like a kid in a candy store! Brad went to the basement and got out his fishing pole… Last I checked you didn’t fish for snakes. He rigs it up to have a loop at the end of the line that would constrict with pressure. He walks outside and gets the snakes head in the loop and pulls it tight. The snake then pulled its head backwards trying to pull the fishing pole to the other side of the pergola. (BTW a pergola is like a roof type structure seen on decks and gardens. I will show pictures) Brad pulls the snake back through and gives it a good yank to get it down.






Now before this happened I thought this snake was a 2 foot snake. Boy was I wrong. This devil snake ended up being 4 foot long! Not my idea of a “small” snake! Brad grabs the snake by the head because that is what all logical level headed people do when they see a snake. He asks me to go inside and get his plyers, the fishing line is too tight on the snakes neck and Brad can’t get it off. What a shame it would be if that snake died! HA! Let it die I say. Then Brad tells me it’s the circle of life and if we don’t save the snake those baby birds would have died in vain. That’s where my heart strings were tugged. Those poor baby birds! I hate that snake but Brad was right. He then sang to me the “circle of life” from the Lion King. My husband, the balance of the eco system keeper! He takes the snake and release it in to the woods next the creek which is still next to our house.








The next day I took Lucy for a walk and when we got home my neighbor Pat was outside. I told him about our situation. He asked what it looked like etc… That devil snake wandered into his yard and met his demise there. I looked at Brad and said “we are the superior species…it’s the circle of life completed!”